Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
