I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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