Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
