burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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