I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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