I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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