the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
