I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
