Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
