I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
