You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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