I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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