Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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