I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
