he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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