Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
