you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
