Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
