so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
