Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
