I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
