My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
