You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I am morally bankrupt
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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