Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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