I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
