Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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