I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
