I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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