I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
