I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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