nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think I died a long time ago.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
