I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
