I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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