Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
