Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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