One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
