My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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