dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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