Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
