Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
