This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
