i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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