I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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