I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Are we still banned from the library?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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