He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
