Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So squirting runs in the family.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
