After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
