Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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