Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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