why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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