my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
