the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
